When I Was Angry with God: Lessons Learned in Life

Yes, there was a time in my life when I felt angry with God. It was many years ago, yet the memory of that day is still as clear as if it happened only yesterday. That day, I was standing in a church, and before me were two coffins. It was a double funeral, one for my boyfriend and the other for one of our closest friends.

You never forget the moment you receive a phone call like that. When I arrived at his parents’ house, my first question was simply: how? High-speed car races may look thrilling in movies, but when men try to imitate them in real life, the consequences can be devastating. My boyfriend was not the one driving. He was only sitting in the wrong car. Yet that day, he was the one who died in the arms of his best friend. The ambulance arrived too late to the place where the accident had happened.

A few days later, I was standing in the graveyard at his tomb, and suddenly I felt a deep anger toward God. Why him, my heart cried. God, why did you allow this? You know the steps of grief, and one of them is bargaining. That was where I found myself, trying to bargain with God. In my anger, I decided that I could no longer believe in a God who would allow such terrible things to happen.

Anger makes you bitter, and bitterness can make even the most beautiful people seem weighed down. In those days I became rebellious, and I often met people’s attempts to comfort me with sarcasm. I blamed God, because deep inside I felt betrayed that He had not protected my boyfriend that day. I even colored my hair black, dressed only in dark clothes, and listened to music that matched my sorrow. I was not truly grieving in a healthy way; I was reacting out of pain, not knowing how else to carry the weight of my loss.

To make matters worse, the local journalists wrote an ugly article about the car accident and put it on the front page with pictures of the two demolished cars. In my anger I even imagined taking a baseball bat and smashing the journalist’s car, just as actor Ji Sung smashes that other car with a hammer in the Korean show The Devil Judge. That scene captured exactly how I felt in that moment. Seriously, what kind of person writes such an article and puts it on the front page without first asking the family members of the deceased?
 
Walking through life feeling angry, trying to avoid what you really feel, suppressing grief and denying the pain you feel, is pure self-deception. But for a few months, it was the only way I could continue walking through my life. I was not able to stand still, and I avoided sitting still by keeping myself busy with all possible distractions, no matter how stupid they were.
Eventually, the day of the breakdown came, when I finally reached the point where I admitted to myself that the anger I felt did not bring back the man I had loved. Because this is the raw truth: no matter how angry we feel, no matter what we do, they do not come back.
 
Finally, I laid that anger aside and began searching for something to comfort me. As always, when I needed answers, I went to the local bookstore, exploring books from various spiritual teachings. Somehow, I ended up buying The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche (published in 1992). This book guided me through an important step of grief: acceptance.
But even more importantly, I learned with that book to honor the fact that certain souls are not meant to stay for 120 years, and sometimes they must leave earlier than we wish. Laying aside my selfish desires and truly respecting that a soul had to continue its path beyond this world somehow helped me to let go.

With this new understanding of the sacred journey of our souls, I felt more inner peace. The anger and sorrow that had weighed on my heart began to loosen, and for the first time in months, I felt a gentle release. With this calm, I was able to make peace with God, our Divine Source, once again.

When we truly honor the journey of the Soul, we are respecting the path they must follow.

Rest assured, there’s truth in the saying that time heals certain wounds — and with time, it really does get easier.

If you are facing a loss or going through a difficult time, please know that you are not alone. I am here for you, and you can reach out to me anytime.

With Love and Light, Jeanne
 💗

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